


No Shit

by TheEvilHina



Series: The Tony and Darcy Lewis Show [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adopted Tony Stark, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bakery and Coffee Shop, Banter, Darcy Lewis & Tony Stark Friendship, Darcy Lewis is Tony Stark's neice, Dialogue-Only, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Multi, Non-Avenger Tony, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Thor (2011), Pre-Slash, Tony's a baker, Tony's a good uncle, Uncle-Niece Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 17:30:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4400918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEvilHina/pseuds/TheEvilHina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's my catch phrase."</p><p>"You do <em>not</em> have a fucking catch phase."</p><p>"Not with that attitude."</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Shit

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me in the shower god dammit. I pumped this shit out.

" _It's my catch phrase._ ”

"You do _not_ have a fucking catch phase."

“ _Not with that attitude._ ”

-

“You guys should totally meet my uncle one day, he’d run circles around you fuckers.” 

“I highly doubt that Darcy.”

“Is that a challenge, ‘cause you know how much I like challenges.”

“If this guy’s anything like you we're in for a treat.”

-

“Come to New York for a vacay.”

“ _Hell no, last thing I need is to leave the bakery with your mom. The fire department still hasn’t forgiven me._ ”

“Don’t make me remind you about the garage.”

“ _You promised you’d never bring up the garage._ ”

“Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Tony. Welcome to the real world.”

“ _Fuck you and your Tumblr bullshit, I should have never gotten you that IPod._ ”

“Come to New York and I promise I won’t use memes against you.”

“ _Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and you aren’t getting any more god damn cookies._ ”

-

“Whose cookies are these, ‘cause I’m gonna eat ‘em.”

“Touch those cookies and you die Barton.”

-

“I have a crush on one of the Avengers.”

“ _You and half the cocks and vaginas on the internet._ ”

“My love is pure.”

“Bitch _, you weren’t even pure when you came out of your mom’s_ vagina _. I know, I was there, I still have nightmares._ ”

“Is that why you’re gay?”

“ _No, I’m gay because if I was straight I’d have to deal with someone like you and I can only deal with one._ ”

-

“Check how sexy my uncle is.”

“Your choice of words are concerning.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not incest, he’s adopted.”

“That doesn’t make it any better.”

-

“I think you’d be hot for my boss.”

“ _What did I say about setting me up with people?_ ”

“That you’ve got, ‘dicks on a waiting list like organ recipients and you don’t need no help’.”

“ _I’d like a picture though._ ”

-

“I do declare that you should help me pack for my trip home.”

“You’re going back home?”

“Only for a couple weeks, the bakery is having a little trouble and I miss my uncle.”

“You two close?”

“My mom says were _too_ close. You should see our family get together, it’s a disaster.”

-

“Hey.”

“ _Oh God it’s you._ ”

“Love you too, Uncle Tony.”

“ _What’s up?_ ”

“I’m stuck at the airport come get me.”

“ _Your brother’s supposed to get you, he left half an hour ago._ ”

“Check the driveway.”

“ _One sec._ ”

“…”

“ _He’s still fucking there god damnit._ ”

“Did he find your stash or something?”

“ _Darcy! You know I only smoke cigarettes._ ”

“Swear on grandpa’s grave.”

“ _Darcy-._ ”

“Do it.”

“ _…_ ”

“…”

“ _I’m coming to get you. Don’t tell your mom._ ”

-

“Admit it.”

“No.”

“Come on.”

“No fucking way.”

“I’ll only stop if you admit it.”

“I have the right to remain silent, you little shit.”

“I’m gonna yell it.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“I’m gonna _yell it_!”

“Don’t you _fucking_ dare!”

“UNCLE TONY’S A MAN WHORE!”

“YOU LITTLE SHIT!”

“Stop it you two, we already know!”

“…”

“…”

“Get a pimp and you can make some money on the side.”

“Fuck you, Darcy.”

-

“This is what happens when you move to New York and abandon family, you get shit at decorating cupcakes.”

“That’s a bit of a leap don’t you think?”

“I’m gonna leap over there and kick your ass if you don’t make a decent looking flower.”

-

“Is the middle finger really needed?”

“It’s a part of my aesthetic.”

“You sound like an idiot.”

“Fuck you, you twenty six year old boob-blimp.”

“Fuck you, you forty five year old cock slut.”

“At least we know that with age I look sexier, your titties will be dragging by the time your forty.”

“By the time I’m your age you’ll be hitting on guys in nursing homes.” 

“So will your little crush.”

“…”

“…”

“I hope not.”

-

“ _Is Ms. Lewis there?_ ”

“You are contacting the Lewis household, my friend, you must be clearer.”

“ _I called Darcy Lewis’ cellphone._ ”

“One must understand that no things are private in the proximity of Tony Lewis.”

“ _That seems to be your problem, Mr. Lewis. Is Darcy Lewis there?_ ”

“She’s in the shower.”

“ _I’ll call later than._ ”

-


End file.
